Fanacies |
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Food and Farming
The farmer surveys his land with its rich black - - - -;
The source of both his pride and relentless toil.
There is a bumper crop this year since good weather prevailed,
The corn is in the - - - - and the hay has all been baled.
In this land of abundance perhaps widespread obesity is not a surprise
From the corn they make - - - - to deep fry your French fries.
Vegetarians must learn to cope in various ways
When served with thick juicy cuts of beef - - - - - -
Either they can - - - - - - their revulsion at the thought of meat
Or they can make their hosts uncomfortable as they eat.
They might say, “I like the taste of beef - - - - - - but I don’t know how
I could ever bring myself to electrocute a cow. Could you?”
Little Jack Horner was waiting to eat his Christmas pie made of - - - - -.
His mother could cook, but at pie crusts she was nothing but thumbs.
She didn’t know how to cut in butter or use a rolling pin,
So the crust was either full of - - - - - or way too thin.
One day she reached for the flour and got rat poison instead,
Jack took a bite, began to - - - - - to the floor and then was dead.
Being overweight was something the man did not - - - - - -,
But snacking all day left him with a bulptious rear end.
When he saw that he could put his thumb in his waist and - - - - - - it an inch,
He said “I know just the diet, my weight loss will a total cinch!”
So he began his program to skimp and scrimp to lose his blimp.
His technique was to eat only - - - - - - catfood, like tuna, liver and a bit of shrimp.
Raise your hand if you don’t like eating chicken - - - - - .
If the thought of them makes you queasy and gives you shivers.
As they quiver and slither on your plate it makes you want to heave,
Perhaps you can get rid of it by slipping a - - - - - up your sleeve.
But feed it to your cat and he will be back to grovel and beg.
Put it in a - - - - - - bowel and he’ll purr and rub your leg.
Everyday the baker returned home all dusty and smelly
From making countless bagels at the local - - - .
He kept on working although he knew he was sick and tired.
If the boss thought he was - - - he would be surely fired.
One day the baker spat into the dough purely out of spite
And - - - - when asked why the bagel didn’t taste just right.
The United States is getting fat, how did it all - - - - -?
You only have to go to the beach to see what kind of shape we’re in.
Americans find it hard to pass up fast food burgers and greasy fries,
But such - - - - - eating will only make you despise the size of your thighs.
- - - - - the fattest country on this planet is not an enviable state,
When much of the world struggles to find food to put on a plate.
When I was in India I was so hungry that I could eat a horse,
So I was ready to spend my - - - - - - on a fabulous first course.
I liked to - - - - - - the specials to find something unique and new,
So I asked the waiter what is this “BYOD” on the menu?
“You can “bring your own dog” and the chef will make some - - - - - -,
He knows how to make your pets taste good in interesting ways.
Are you - - - - - - - with your conscience to stay on your diet,
But every time you see a dessert you just have to try it?
I am sure you know that no one has ever won the battle of the bulge
Unless they say no to dessert and resist the temptation to - - - - - - - .
And don’t get me started on your lack of exercise,
That weight loss is - - - - - - - you is really no surprise.
The French chef insists that to have a good meal,
You must follow his - - - - - - - with ardor and zeal.
The directions he gives are detailed and - - - - - - - ,
And give the exact amounts for each herb and spice.
But one day the chef lets out a scream that - - - - - - - the air.
Someone is substituting processed cheese food for aged Camembert.
According to an ancient American fable,
A pig and a lamb lived together in a - - - - - -.
The pig said, "Easter is coming soon and I'm telling you,
That luscious lamb stew will be on the menu."
"They will send the - - - - - - farmer to come chop off your head.
I bet that about now you wish you were a pig instead."
But the farmer was so moved by the - - - - - - of the little lamb,
He took one look at the dirty old pig and decided to have ham.
The land winked and said, "My charm and pathos have never failed,
I turned the - - - - - - on the pig and he got nailed.
International
- - - - - - is the central relay point in the Columbian drug trade
Here is where pure cocaine is cut, packaged and weighed.
From there the next point might be the off shore island of - - - - - - ,
Drugs fan out from here by boat, as far away as LA or San Diego.
The captain of the ship wonders, “Can this - - - - - - any faster?
I need to outrace the coast guard in order to avoid disaster.”
- - - - - - - is the capitol of Iran and it is a pity
That poverty and pollution now besmirch this once great city.
There is a sprawling slum on the city’s outskirts,
Where simple - - - - - - - homes are made of sticks and dirt.
But it must - - - - - - - Iranis immensely when they realize,
That they are off the hot seat; it’s now Iraq we most despise.
In ancient - - - - - - there was a crisis of major proportions,
Children were dying of excruciating rigor and contortions.
The outbreak was found to be an epidemic of lethal - - - - - - .
Due to the raw dog that was fed to infants and babies.
To prevent infection, mothers were told to cook their dog meat
And to - - - - - - the dog quickly at extremely high heat.
The Irani was a gambler with an addiction he could never satisfy
He’d even bet his last - - - - - on a racehorse with one blind eye
His wife would empty his pockets and then complain,
“Your gambling is just like throwing money down the - - - - -.”
He was ashamed of his losses and was at the - - - - - of his sorrow,
But knew he’d feel better when the racetrack opened tomorrow
I'm going to tell you something that is true no matter who you are,
Even if you are a monsieur, a - - - - -, a czar or Hussar.
Even if you are a president with a country to run,
Even if you are - - - - - from the land of the midnight sun,
Even if you are as famous as Leif Ericson or Eric the Red,
If you - - - - - when you sleep, you will be kicked out of bed.
This set of anagrams can take you on an international trip,
First stop, Scotland, where the - - - - - - defines family and kinship.
Next we go to India to understand the meaning of a - - - - - -,
It's from Hinduism, and includes mystical things like a mantra.
Now we go to the deepest darkest jungles of South East Asia,
There we find the vine - - - - - -, one of the major exports of Malaysia.
In ancient - - - - - - along the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates,
Everyone bathed nude, even young brides and virginal ladies.
A husband said, “that I be the only one to see my wife naked is my sole desire.
“And this invention will bring me the fame to which I - - - - - -;
He built a tent with a hose and no roof, it took no time at all.
- - - - - - be to Allah, he made the world’s first shower stall.
Within the dense jungle of Burma are where - - - - - - are found
And poor peasants eke out a living in the mines underground.
They’d rather be - - - - - - working on their farms nearby,
But a seven year drought has left the land parched and dry.
Every now and then a cave in - - - - - - one of the diggers,
But they keep looking for gems that are bigger and bigger.
They search for the perfect stone the color of a fresh tender - - - - - -,
Colored deep red and purple without any hues of blacks or of blues.
This set of anagrams can take you on an international trip,
First stop, Scotland, where the - - - - - - defines family and kinship.
Next we go to India to understand the meaning of - - - - - -,
It's from Hinduism, and includes mystical things like a mantra.
Now we go to the deepest darkest jungles of South East Asia,
There we find the vine - - - - - -, one of the major exports of Malaysia.
War and Politics
It was the height of the cold war and President Kennedy thought what the hell
We’re the United States so it’s okay to kill that crazy commie - - - - -.
But a CIA - - - - - operative had mistakenly advised the brass and bigwigs
That 2,000 Cuban nationals could easily storm the Bay of Pigs.
The ensuing disaster was - - - - - as an example of a flawed subversion,
Or the cautionary tale of a 10,000 pound gorilla with a recto-cranial inversion.
One of the - - - - - that is supposed to make this country proud
Is that wiretapping and torture are simply not allowed.
And even putting these inalienable rights and principles - - - - -,
Is the disquieting fact that our president has routinely dissembled and lied.
How can it be that Bush and his - - - - - do not seem to comprehend
That their actions betray the very democratic principles they are trying to defend.
Ah, the fertile crescent, once the jewel of the Middle East,
Where - - - - - of state and potentates liked to dally, dance and feast.
Now gone is the dappled - - - - - that once graced the river banks,
Replaced by barbed wire and the raucous rumble of army tanks.
Gone also is the prosperity once symbolized by Tigris and Euphrates,
These rivers now evoke images of war and death, like the hellish kingdom of - - - - -.
General George Custer was an arrogant man with few - - - - - or deep thoughts
As a white man he just assumed that he’d be the victor in each battle that he fought.
His captains took him - - - - - and said “we think that the Indians are planning a surprise”
And if they attack in the morning we are sure that everyone dies.”
But Custer ignored his - - - - -, and it came with a very great cost.
In fact, that was why the Battle of the Little Big Horn was lost.
Abe Lincoln was a famous president most famous for one great deed
That was the Emancipation Proclamation and all the slaves he -----.
But true equality was only a mirage across a cruel and mighty schism.
As ignorance and bigotry only fed and ----- the hatred of racism.
But Martin Luther Kind finally stirred us when he said we must be color blind
And we could no longer afford to ----- his dream of equality for all mankind.
As the tourniquet twisted slowly and then turned tighter,
The solider clenched his jaw, turned pale and then - - - - - -
He had been ambushed and shot by an anti-American protestor.
And they had to amputate his leg which was about to - - - - - - and fester.
As he began to - - - - - - in pain he asked this question to his physician
“Hey, aren’t we supposed to be on a nonviolent peace-keeping mission?”
Bush said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction for sure
So he attacked the country in order to make ours more - - - - - -.
But no weapons were found, so he said “that’s okay,
I’m sure the Iraqis wanted us to - - - - - - them anyway.”
But let’s be honest, Bush should - - - - - - himself from these plans and plots.
Because he’s more interested in big oil than deposing demons and despots.
Even though the petty dictator had only a marginal intellect
He managed to command universal - - - - - - -.
But it was not based on compassion or respect for the law,
It was the - - - - - - - of his secret police that kept his people in awe.
He sat on his sumptuous throne with golden - - - - - - - in hand,
While ruthlessly raiding the coffers of his impoverished land.
We must bear the consequences of our ancestors who - - - - - to claim the world's frontiers
And created artificial countries for poohbahs, swamis, rajahs, chieftans and emirs.
Puppets were installed that the West could manipulate as a docile figure head
And then they raped the economy and countryside whilst instilling fear and - - - - -.
Now our machinations are unraveling as downtrodden cultures demand overdue respect,
Like an - - - - - rising from the sand to bite the foot that has been standing on its neck.
George would have liked the headlines to read
"Bush - - - - - - - - Gore with a commanding lead."
But I don't think that anyone could - - - - - - - -
The wild finish that embroiled these two.
There were multiple - - - - - - - - in Florida state
Hanging and dimpled chads determined the candidates' fate.
"I won," says Bush, "But I got more votes," - - - - - - - - Gore.
The matter was finally left to the Supreme Court to explore.
Royalty
Cleopatra was a hardworking queen but whenever she got the blahs,
She relaxed with Anthony at Alexandria’s finest seaside - - - -.
“Ruling - - - - a girl’s energy,” Cleo would say,
“So a seaweed facial is just what I need today.”
So the days would - - - - peacefully at her Egyptian home,
But too bad the lovers lost track of events in Rome.
Octavian attacked, and Anthony killed himself with a knife.
And - - - - hidden in a basket of figs ended Cleo’s life.
The king and queen - - - - somewhere near France
They'd like their daughter to wed, but there is no chance.
Her looks are so - - - - that no man would have her,
They said that she looked more like a living cadaver.
The princess cried, "What - - - - God has done this to me?
Every time I look in the mirror I see pure misery."
The queen said, "if they can't see your inner beauty I will put them in jail,”
The king replied, " I have a better idea, just don't take off your - - - -.”
Religion
St. Peter - - - - - - - those who arrive at his gate
Who look like sinners full of anger, spite and hate.
He advises, “While you don’t have to lead a - - - - - - - life to ascend to heaven above,
But at least show that you are able to feel compassion and true love.
If however your heart is cold and - - - - - - - with evil through and through,
I might just have a different destination in mind for you.
Be warned that the peace of heaven won’t be where you go when you are dead.
No, I’ll send to the fiery depths of hell - - - - - - -.
Pious - - - - - - had jealous rivals who thought he was a sycophantic brown noser.
So the king made a law to put him together with a lion into a tight enclosure.
They thought that God could not possibly save him from this horrifying plight,
And assumed he would be - - - - - - by the lion in the middle of the night.
King Darius was at first in - - - - - - and then realized the inequities of his laws,
And prayed just enough to get an angel to come and close the lion’s jaws.
Einstein gases skyward to see what he can - - - - -
Perhaps the speed of light at an - - - - - he has never seen.
But what if he sees an - - - - - wafting through the sky,
Can this man of science believe in heavens and gods on high?
This is the condensed story of the misfortunes that are Job’s
He mourns when Satan kills his family by tearing off his - - - - -. (1:13-22)
Then Satan afflicts him with painful boils and a worm that - - - - - through his skin (2:7-8)
His friends Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar arrive and are appalled at the bad shape he’s in. (2:11-13)
The trio offer him - - - - - words of advice but Job wants to know why (4-11)
God would permit such suffering and not let him die. (12:1-14:22.)
When Christians want to contemplate God and reach inner peace and calm
They look to the Bible and read their favorite soothing - - - - -.
When Muslims want to make sure that Allah is still really up there,
They grab their Koran, put their - - - - - together and say a little prayer.
But I’m an atheist, so here is how I deal with any fear or doubt,
I get some - - - - - and rub them and hope a genie will pop out.
Medicine and Health
When you're in the - - - - - - - profession you must be sure of everything you do.
I've learned that even the teeniest mistake will make your patient want to sue.
For example, there was a time when my patient fraudulently - - - - - - -
That I did surgery on the wrong side and left her totally maimed.
And then there was the time I misplaced a - - - - - - - when I calculated a dose
And I found myself sued by a patient who was supposedly comatose.
- - - - - - - myself and said “why am I being sued, don’t they understand
That not everything is going to go just exactly as I’d planned?”
Freud was the world’s first shrink and patients thought it was weird,
To tell him their secrets while he nodded and stroked his short - - - - -,
He treated the psyche like - - - - -, he would knead it and then let it rise,
Exposing the lewd and lascivious dreams that he loved to analyze.
But once the soul was - - - - -, the barriers were broken, and he had picked all the locks,
Some preferred that the ugly thoughts stayed where they belonged, in Pandora’s box.
History and Philosophy
Ever since you took your first breath and your life began,
You have been eating away at your assigned life - - - - .
So don’t fritter away your nights foot loose and fancy free,
Or squander your afternoons taking - - - -- in front of TV.
But also don’t spend too much time wondering what life is all about,
You’ll be wasting time waiting to see if your life - - - - out.
And don’t worry about making long term investments to get ahead,
Because with a - - - - of the fingers, time’s up, you’re dead.
The climber dangles from a cliff, held only by - - - - -
He sees them unraveling and fraying along with his hopes.
He feels himself slipping more, and all his - - - - - are running with sweat,
But despite his best efforts he knows that his fate has been set.
Before he plummets to his death he reviews the life he has led
And composes a bit of - - - - - for the obituary that will run when he’s dead.
He says he has tried to be a good human, but at this moment he has come to learn
That nature considers a human life no more important than a - - - - - on a fern.
Popular Culture
Every time the road runner - - - - speeding down the road,
Wile E. Coyote had set a booby trap triggered to explode.
The - - - - company had sent him bombs and anvils to drop on the roadrunner's head,
But something always went wrong and Wile E. was left for dead instead.
Springing back to life, Wile E. had a brainstorm to use a cloud of - - - -
But as usual the wind changed directions and blew the cloud into Wile E's face.
The tattoo artist said “here are my needles on this tray,
And next to them I’ve arranged all my - - - - in a bright array.
Before I - - - - the needle into your flesh I would suggest
That you consider tattooing an eagle onto your chest.
It will be life-like and stunning so let me begin,
I am an artist and my canvas is your - - - -.”
Urban Legends
1. Mothers flushed baby pet alligators down the toilet and their kids never missed them
But now there are - - - - of thousands full grown gators roaming our sewer system.
2. Why don't you ever see baby pigeons in a - - - - or on city streets?
Because White Hen catches them with ---- and serves them as luncheon meats.
3. When the man peed on the third rail, it - - - - a shock he never saw coming
He survived the electrocution but it destroyed his masculine plumbing.
Nature
The laws of supply and demand apply to all creatures and - - - - - - - -,
With starvation and death to the runt of the litters.
Unless we humans - - - - - - - - the amount of resources we consume,
We’ll surely be headed for a barren and polluted doom.
Mother nature is unforgiving, there is no - - - - - - - - taskmaster,
If we blow it, she’ll just let a new species evolve to replace this human disaster.
Oh, to once again - - - - passenger pigeons darkening the sky,
At their peak a flock would took several days to pass on by.
They would alight on each fence - - - -, mass on barn roofs and eat sown seed,
A century later they succumbed to mass destruction and wanton greed.
The heath hen died as the Pilgrims killed them with sprayed gun shots;
These bewildered birds were then added to the settlers’ simmering stew - - - -.
Goodbye to the Carolina Parakeet, killed for the fashion of snooty aristocrats,
Who fancied feathers artfully decorating the - - - - of ladies’ hats.
The Great Auk was a flightless bird who swam along the Eastern shore.
Sailors said, “Why - - - - killing them? There’ll always be plenty more.”
Until man - - - - to become a steward of our beleaguered planet earth,
We will continue to be impoverished as our diversity loses its net worth.
Sports
Among the - - - - - of professional anglers, this fisherman was the best,
He could read the river and cast better than all the rest,
He surveyed the water to spot where his fly should be placed
Perhaps in the quiet pool beyond where the current frothed and - - - - -.
So he flicked his rod back and forth and - - - - - his fly across the river.
He felt the line pull taut and the rod tip began to quiver.
“Aha a fish,” he thought, and he - - - - - not if it was a bass, a trout or perch
Just as long as he did not get tangled in a - - - - -, oak or birch.
When linemen see hands slipping under the centers' butts,
They listen carefully to the cadence of the quarterbacks’ - - - -.
As the ball is hiked, forward they tumble in a big sweaty jumble,
Hoping to - - - - down the run, monkey pile the halfback and recover a fumble.
Every Sunday this well orchestrated mayhem is a purely an American sensation.
- - - - it is no wonder that the rest of the world thinks that we are a violent nation.
Professions and Jobs
The clock is running the - - - - - has been set.
No more continuances, the trial date must be met .
The judge will rule on the - - - - - of each motion.
As the attorneys represent their clients with passion and devotion.
After the trial, the bill the lawyer will - - - - -
Is more likely to be paid if the jury votes to acquit.
Women - - - - to tolerate rampant sexism in offices and workplaces
Such as low pay, groping, propositions and other disgraces.
Women thought that spending lunch hour in the boss’ hotel bed
Was simply the - - - - that had to be paid in order to get ahead.
But now if a guy says or does anything that is remotely lewd,
He is sent to HR for sensitivity training so that the company won’t get - - - -.
Family and Household
On weekends Dads look forward to their afternoon naps,
While lying on the couch several hours may - - - - - -.
They might pretend to watch baseball or read a book,
But you can tell they're dead - - - - - - from just one look.
- - - - - - note the drool on their chin or a tongue that's hanging out
Listen for snorting or snoring if you still have any doubt.
The teenager went to the mall and got a pierced - - - - - - - without her parents permission,
And the mother was upset at the daughter's disobedience and lack of contrition:
She cries, "All these years I've tried my best at child - - - - - - -,
But when I talk I don't think you are ever listening or hearing!"
The daughter says, "Relax Mom, this is no big deal, it's really not.
You'll certainly be - - - - - - - to know I routinely drink and smoke pot."
When his son turned two, his Dad - - - - - - -
To toilet train him soon because he was tired
Of seeing piles of - - - - - - - that were sodden and icky
He tried every incentive, some inventive, some tricky
The Dad - - - - - - - his son, he told him he was the world's best boy
He plied him with candy and an occasional toy.
But he was in - - - - - - - , and had run out of hope.
He thought, "my mother had six kids, how did she ever cope?"
When I was little my grandmother gave me these sage words of advice,
She said, “Don’t be too - - - - - - - on men because you won’t like the price.
And don’t look at a solar eclipse too long because you will find,
That the - - - - - - - damage will leave you blind.”
And she spoke the truth when she warned me about a toilet and a - - - - - - - ,
She said, “you’ll get a disease unless you wipe the seat clean.”
My father said that rock music was noise he couldn’t understand,
And Glenn Miller was the - - - - of his all time favorite band.
He said, “I can never understand what the mumbled lyrics - - - -,
But I bet ‘Happiness is a warm gun’ is something really obscene.
And I don’t like those bell bottoms and the other clothes they wear,
And don’t get me started on their mangy mop top - - - - of hair.”
“The Beatles won’t last a year” was his oft repeated caveat.
Thank God he was wrong, and we can all say - - - - to that.
Mountain Climbing and Adventure
The Gobi is a large desert, but the Sahara is even - - - - - -.
And to head off unprepared is to risk disaster.
For example, only a generous supply of water - - - - - - death from thirst.
Actually, it won’t matter because you will be blinded by a sandstorm first.
And you’ll - - - - - - to death unless you bring enough food to eat.
Actually, it won’t matter because you’ll already be dead from the heat.
Best not go.
Mt. Everest is the - - - - - - of myth, the world's tallest peak,
But why do climbers climb, what is this danger that they seek?
"Because it's there," was Sir Edmund Hillary's famous - - - - - -.
With his- - - - - - at his side, from the earth's rooftop he did gaze.
The mountain climber likes to tell stories of his adventures and - - - - - -,
In interviews published in magazines and newspapers.
One night he was stranded on an - - - - - - and it began to snow,
And then the temperature fell to forty below.
He had to - - - - - - out a snow cave from the icy snow drift,
But he slipped and spent the night in the depths of a glacier’s rift.
As he excitedly - - - - - - the story, you think mountain climbers must be insane.
Why else would they endure near fatal agony and pain?
Pot Pourri
Ever since you took your first breath and your life began,
You have been eating away at your assigned life - - - -.
So don’t fritter away your nights foot loose and fancy free,
Or squander your afternoons taking - - - - in front of TV.
But also don’t spend too much time wondering what life is all about,
You’ll be wasting time waiting to see if your life - - - - out.
And don’t worry about making long term investments to get ahead,
Because with a - - - - of the fingers, time’s up, you’re dead.
If your faith is shaken and you feel an oncoming sinful lapse.
You should spend some prayerful time in the church’s - - - -.
If you dislike vegetables like - - - - and carrots, broccoli and beets,
You should go on one of those diets where you only eat red meats.
If you don’t believe in evolution and deny that - - - - are our kin,
You’d better shave your back because you sure look simian.
There are many ways to say goodbye, but these are among my top ten - - - -
When a scientist says, “let’s make like an amoeba,” that means he splits.
When the pioneer has sown his seed and every row has been hoed,
He might say, “let’s make like horse - - - - and hit the road.”
And - - - - one is my absolute favorite without any doubt,
The ob-gyne says, “let’s make like a fetus and just head on out!”
Literature and Arts
The "Thinker" is a famous statue who sits in a contemplative pose,
His - - - - - - rests on his knee and he is not wearing any clothes.
"What’s he thinking" is something that everyone wants to know,
"Is it the rapture of heaven above, or the fires of hell - - - - - -?"
But ascribing such lofty thoughts is probably a mistake,
Because he’s just thinking about the - - - - - - movement he's trying to make.
At the - - - - - of WWII, Churchill was looking for a symbol of hope,
Something stirring and uplifting to help his countrymen cope.
He chose Beethoven’s Fifth symphony as the symbol of victory,
Because the first four - - - - - are the Morse Code for the letter V.
But it is the Ninth Symphony that leaves me enthralled,
Especially when the - - - - - of Ode to Joy fill the concert hall.
Beethoven had a true gift and a unique musical ear
Especially since he was - - - - - deaf and just couldn’t hear.
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